Journal of Thoughts
by NoSecondChance
Summary: Twist on S/D get together. Darien loses his journal of thoughts and Serena finds it, what will happen when she sees what he really thinks of her? Two part story
1. Chapter 1

Okay so I know I haven't posted on my last story in a long time… I just don't really know where it was going or how to continue.

This is a two part story, the second part is almost done, so it should be posted soon enough, that is if people actually read the first part and comment…

I got this idea from reading something online about diaries and what not. I don't think anyone has done it… well I hope not. And my bad if someone did. I haven't come across anything like it so yeah. Anyways it's a typical S/D get together. Just a different way. I do not own sailor moon.

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_Oh god, no no no no….Where did I put it???_ I shuffled through my bag for the third time in a row, and apparently my luck had run out on the busy Tokyo streets, as someone bumped my shoulder roughly. Not only did the bump cause me to drop my bag, but it also allowed for all of the contents to go spewing about on the ground. _Just great, this adds the cherry on top of my fantastic day._ I quickly gathered my things so that they would not get killed by the many pedestrians around me.

_Now where did I last see it? I had it this morning, and then went to the café, then a walk around the park. Did I have it after the café? _

Everything that was anything was in it. And I had lost it. Completely gone. Vanished into thin air and I had not a clue where to look for it, well I had clues, I just didn't know where I wanted to start. _Why did I have to lose it today, after what I wrote?_ I grabbed my stuff, slinging my backpack over my shoulder and heading for the park first, _Maybe it fell out of my bag while I was walking_.

----------------------------------------------------------Meanwhile------------------------------------------------------

An all too bubbly blonde skipped into her favorite hangout place. She plopped down on one of the empty stools at waited to be noticed; she wanted her milkshake. It was then she noticed a notebook lying on the floor. She quickly bent down and picked it up. Thinking it was simply someone's notes she opened it up looking for a name. The first page had two words scribbled in the middle of the page, _Darien Chiba_.

Her thoughts were interrupted when she heard Andrew bid farewell to other customers and made a b-line straight for her. She closed the book as quickly as she could, without trying to be too obvious about it.

"What's that Serena?" Andrew questioned.

"Ummm. Nothing at all Don't worry about it. Can I get a chocolate milkshake please?"

Eyeing her suspiciously he continued his questioning, "Sure, but first you have to tell me what you have there. Is it your diary or something?"

"Or something… I guess. You know your favorite customer is waiting for her milkshake still? PLLLLEEEAASSSSE."

" Okay, okay… fine, but I am not dropping this completely."

Andrew left her to her biddings, while he prepared her favorite treat, thinking about the strange behavior exhibited by the girl. Shaking his head in defeat he turned around to give her the milkshake. He must of surprised her for when he set it down on the counter, she jumped quite high.

"Sheesh Andrew you don't have to kill me before I get my milkshake" She said jokingly.

"Not my fault you weren't paying attention."

She stuck her tongue out at him and sipped on the milkshake that was placed in front of her. She had stowed the mystery notebook in her bag when Andrew was looking away, but was dying to read what was in there. She had the inclination that it Darien's diary and that made her want to read the notebook even more. Yes, she knew it was wrong, and understood she was invading his privacy, but she couldn't help it. She wanted so badly to know what her thought about her. The truth was that she has had a major crush on him since she had thrown her failing test paper at his head. Perhaps she even loved the man. The guy was gorgeous, who would not fall for him.

Reality hit her then, did she really want to know what he thought about her? Didn't their almost daily spats tell her what he thought of her? She glanced down at the bag and was suddenly quite saddened by this information. What if he really did think she was just some wimp? After thinking about it long and hard she decided she wanted to know regardless.

She grabbed the remaining half milkshake and went to the back of the café. She sat down and gingerly removed the object, seemingly afraid that it would bite her. She opened to the first page once again and read the name just to be sure, _Darien Chiba._ She inhaled a deep breath and flipped the page.

_**Dear notebook,**_

_**Yes, I just said notebook, diary is a girly word, and considering I am not a girl I shall refer to this as a notebook of thoughts. Andrew had recommended I start writing stuff down since I never talk to anyone and I suppose he is right. What exactly do you put in a **__**diary**__** notebook of thoughts? Are you suppose to write about your day, or your feelings of utter loneliness..**_

_**I suppose I will start with my day, it was quite eventful. I was hit in the head with a piece of paper. People wouldn't think that would hurt but it did, I swear. Anyways I found out it was thrown by some underclassman. I have seen her around school, she constantly has klutz attacks and rumor is that she is never on time for anything. What is the world coming to? I thought school was important to everyone; I am apparently incorrect in my assumptions. I suppose…**_

That was the end of the first journal. She debated once again whether or not she should continue with the next page. She decided she wanted to see some more, but before flipping to the next page she wanted to see how many entries he had in the book. She found that half of the notebook was full and there was no way she was going to read all of it. Skimming was her only option, so she took it with glee.

_**I found out her name is Serena. Suites her I suppose. She hit me with her shoe today, which hurt a lot more than the paper. Think she is pretty inconsiderate to be throwing shoes around. Got an A on the test I had….**_

She flipped the page

_**She is infuriating. Immature and lazy it seems. She speaks intelligently, but doesn't do well on tests period. Maybe she is just stupid. Anyways Andrew invited me over for a party today…**_

Another flip

_**Even her friends constantly make fun of her. She seems to be struggling with everything. Our daily fights have become somewhat of a bore…it's like she has lost some of her spite. But she is still always smiling, it's almost disgusting how happy she is…**_

Serena was interrupted by a load crash behind the counter, she looked up to see Andrew had dropped a glass. She made eye contact with him, he gave her the 'my bad' look and shrugged. Deeming that Andrew was fine she went back to her reading.

_**Her wailing must be the worst sound ever. Who has that much air in their lungs, and can get their voice so high pitched? I swear she could break glass with that voice some times.**_

Flip.

_**I deemed her Meatball head. I think it suites her hairstyle. It really does look like meatballs, and she probably has spaghetti for brains. **_

That did it. She slammed the book shut. She had started crying at some point but stop the remaining tears that were threatening to over flow. He really thought she was an idiot. Every insult he ever threw her way was true. She couldn't read it anymore. She walked solemnly to the counter and debated whether to give the book to Andrew or not. So caught up in her debating she failed to notice the newest customer walk in.

----------------------------------------------------Darien--------------------------------------------------------------------

_Ugh, it wasn't anywhere in the park. It has to be here… okay where did I sit…_

I looked to the stool where I sat this morning and low and behold who was there. _My meatball head!_ I was extremely pleased to say the least. I hadn't seen her all day and I needed someone to brighten my day. It was then I noticed what was in her hand. _Oh crap.. this is not good_.

I walked nonchalantly to the counter and tapped her on the shoulder. She looked startled at first but then I noticed something in her eyes….fear maybe, and some sadness?

"Umm I think you have something that belongs to me Meatball head, don't you know it is rude to take other people's stuff?"

There was no retort, no witty remark; Just a silent nod of her head as she handed the notebook back to me.

_Success!_

"What no remark today meatball brains? Even I thought you could still speak somewhat intelligently."

That apparently did it. She turned on heel and ran from the café without a glance back. I looked at the now empty spot where her body once stood… _What the…was I too harsh?_

I looked down at the notebook and flipped to the last few pages.

_**She is gorgeous. I don't think she knows. And she is graceful too, sometimes.**_

Flip

_**I don't think she gets that her klutz attacks are what make me think I have a chance. They show me she is not a divine god of which I cannot get to. She is human and perhaps one day she will be mine.**_

Flip

_**What I wouldn't do to just see her smile at me like she does with everyone else. What I wouldn't do to see love in her eyes instead of hate when she looks at me. I suppose I should give up. When does the lonely boy every get the beautiful girl?**_

Flipping to the last page,

_**I have come to one conclusion today. I love her. I love my meatball head. **_

I smiled as I re-read the words, I did a quick flip of the beginning of the notebook and it was then I realized something. The first several pages were wet. And recently too. I opened the notebook up to the forth entry and saw that the wet drops were scattered on the page, but not near the edge. It was then I noticed the position of my face and the mysterious wet spots… _They line up with my eyes…tears?_

I dropped the book as realization dawned on me. She had read it. And she had read the worst parts too. Without a second thought I picked up the discarded book and threw it in my bag and raced out the door.

_Where to look? Where would she go?_ I decided the park would probably be the best place to look first so without a thought I started running in the direction that I needed to.

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She ran through the park and found a secluded bench to just sit in. She didn't need this right now, she had a test tomorrow.

"I hate him."

It was repeated several times, but it wasn't making her feel any better. She didn't hate him. She never could.


	2. Chapter 2

The last part, hopefully you guys like it. R/R!!!!

Okay part two is up! i do not own sailor moon.

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_Finally._ I found her. She was in the park, just as I suspected. I stopped several yards from her, I didn't want to make my presence known quite yet. I opened my bag and took out the notebook that seemed to have caused a lot of grief today. I ripped out the last entry. I was going to show her I cared, I was going to get another chance with her.

"Ah-hem…Serena"

Her eyes darted to directly where I was standing. I expected to see sadness in her eyes, but all I saw was fury.

"What do you want?" her voice was ice cold. She was determined to not going let me get to her again today.

"I wanted to talk to you about this notebook, I know you read the first pages, but…"

She cut him off abruptly, "Do you really think I care what you think? I mean really the only thing I found amusing was that you keep a diary. And YES that's what it is, not a stupid notebook of thoughts."

I just looked at her stunned. What is wrong with her?

"Look just forget it. I am sorry I read it. It was an invasion of privacy, blah blah blah…"

"Serena, please let me…" She didn't notice the use of her actual name.

"NO! I don't want to talk to you anymore. I don't want to hear you make fun of me and I don't want to ever see you again. Do you understand me? I am done trying to be friends with the lonely arrogant jerk who sees nothing around him. I am done trying to convince myself you have feelings! You're....you're a monster that sucks up all the happiness. I don't want to fight anymore. I just…. I'm....I....I am done. Goodbye Darien, I hope to never see you again."

With that she stood up abruptly and began to leave. I grabbed her wrist trying to explain again, but was once again cut off. This time, not by words, but by a hard slap in the face. I let go of her hand to touch my check and in seconds she was gone. I looked down at the hand not on my face right now and looked at the now crumbled sheet of paper from my journal.

_I am such a fool… how could she ever see me as anything but… well a monster?_

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Sometime later after a long walk in the park I made it back to the café. Andrew, being the friend he is, instantly knew something was up.

"Don't ask. Just… do you have an envelope and pen?"

He nodded fully understanding and went to retrieve the requested items.

I sat at the counter, and pulled out my notebook. I flipped to the last few pages and tore them out. I used the pen to underline key sentences, and made sure that the last page of my journal was attached with the rest of the pages. It was then I went to a blank page, tore it out and wrote something I never wanted to.

_**I am sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Please believe me. I know you hate me, and I get it, but I wanted to show you something first. I put in the last pages of the **__**notebo**__**ok, no, diary with this letter, please read them, especially the underlined parts. **_

_**I am sorry. I wish I were different, someone else… maybe then this wouldn't have happened like this. Maybe you wouldn't hate me…maybe I would not be the monster you see me as...  
**_

_**I will respect your wishes.**_

_**Darien**_

After I signed the letter I put it with the rest of my diary entries. I placed them carefully in the envelope and sealed it shut. Writing her name on the front, I called Andrew over to me.

"What's up bud?"

"Look I won't be coming around much anymore, call me if you want to hang out somewhere else okay? And could you do me a favor?"

Confusion evident on his face, he simply nodded.

"Deliver this, when she asks about me, please. It's important."

"No problem. You sure you okay?"

"Yeah, I just guess I realized that everything was a fantasy that would never, will never come true. See you around."

With that I got up and left the café for the last time in a long while.

-----------------------------------------7 days later (Saturday night) ------------------------------------------------------

Serena walked into the café she visited daily. She felt horrible about the fight they had. And she had yet to see him since. Did he really think she meant what she said to him? She had been too shy to ask Andrew where he was, afraid he would find out the truth, but she needed to know. Her mind made up she finally decided to do something.

"Andrew?"

"Yeah Serena?"

"Where has Darien been lately? He hasn't come in for a while."

He looked at me and sighed. He didn't know what happened, but he understood that something did happen between Darien and Serena; something that made Darien basically go into hiding from her.

"Couldn't tell you Serena, you guys get into a fight?"

"Of course we did Andrew, but I said something I wish I hadn't, I don't know what to do."

He finally remembered his promise to his best friend and went to the back to retrieve the letter.

"He asked me to give this to you."

She stared at the letter for several seconds before grabbing it from his hand, "Why didn't you give this to me sooner?"

He shrugged and simply said, "You didn't ask about him…"

_He was testing her, and she failed, for seven days she failed.._.The envelope was torn open within seconds and the contents read within minutes. She dropped everything on the counter when she read the pages of his journal… _But he, he hated her… what was going on?_ She then got to the last page, which had only a line of writing. That line would change everything though.

"Where is he Andrew?"

"Can't say, sorry. I am under strict orders. Told me to stay out of this one, and since it is the first time he ever asked for anything I couldn't refuse."

"Please Andrew you have to tell me!"

"Sorry. Why do you care anyways?" It was then she noticed the anger in Andrew's eyes. "Leave him alone Serena, whatever you did you hurt him bad, worse that anything in his past, and that's a hard thing to top. As much as I care about you like a sister, I am telling you to stay away, I don't want him getting hurt worse."

"Well, do you know if he will come in anytime soon?" apparently she had completely ignored him.

"You made him think he was a monster, I am not giving you anything about him."

_A monster? How, she never said that… no, she told him he was a monster, once that sucks up all happiness... even implying that he would be lonely, perhaps even that he would never be loved…_She let out a frustrated sigh and turned to leave with one final huff. She made a silent oath to herself that she would find Darien if it was the last thing she did. If only she had been paying attention to what was in front of her.

----------------------------------------------Darien------------------------------------------------------------------------

_CRAP!_ I dodged into a nearby alley and ended up falling from my frantic movements, causing a black stain on my once perfect khakis. I didn't think she would be out so late. Thought it was safe to visit Andrew without an issue. _I have to be more careful._ He looked around the corner to make sure she was gone. _ I want to hold her so much… STOP IT stupid. She doesn't want me near her. And I love her enough to understand that, monster or not..._

I sighed and continued my walk to the café. Andrew looked up as soon as I walked in.

"Hey, thought you weren't coming back for a while"

"I really wanted some of that delicious coffee."

"Right. She was just here. She is demanding I tell her where you are living."

"Did you tell her?"

"Nope."

"Good, thanks."

I turned around in my stool just in time to see familiar meatballs running back to the café I sat in.

_CRAP AGAIN._

I dove over the counter and hid by Andrew's feet just in time, for she entered mere seconds later. I squeezed Andrew's ankle to warn him not to say anything. He winced and nodded his head fully understating. _I should get him a good Christmas gift…._

"Andrew can you please tell me?!"

"Sorry Serena, I can't I promised."

I was slowly crawling to the other end of the counter and to the kitchen door, so I could escape. I couldn't hear the rest of the conversation, but there was a lot of whining that ensued. I got to the kitchen stood up and walked out the back door. I walked back to the front, peered around the corner and looked into the front glass window. She wasn't facing me. I waved to Andrew to say farewell and walked back to my apartment through the park.

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"What was that?" Serena asked.

"what?" Andrew attempted to fake innocence.

"You waved and nodded, to who?" She turned around before he could stop her and she saw him. He was walking away.

"HE WAS HERE AND YOU DIDN'T TELL MEEEEEE?"

Before he was able to respond she was out the door and chasing after Darien.

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I heard footsteps rapidly approaching and glanced back just in case.

_Serena?_

She had spotted me, no way to avoid her now. I sat down on a bench close to me and waited for her to catch up. I must have zoned out for a few or so seconds because I was startled by her voice so close.

"Darien."

I looked at her, what was I suppose to say? Sorry I am not good at avoiding you?

"Why are you avoiding me?"

"You told me too, none to gently I may add."

"But when did you start listening to me? You never did before…"

"What do you want Serena? To laugh in my face for the letter I gave you? Go ahead. Get it over with."

She looked stunned to say the least.

"I…. I woul….I wouldn't do that."

My heart plummeted right then. She didn't need to say anything. I understood, she never did and never will feel the same way. I nodded and with a shaky voice I no longer had control over apologized.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. Don't worry. I won't get in your way anymore… I…I… I will just leave I guess."

Confusion was written on her face, but something then clicked. She rushed to grab my hand and quickly relayed an explanation.

"Darien, wait, that's not what I meant at all… no I didn't mean I didn't…. I mean I just meant that I could never make fun of feelings… and I didn't mean to imply…. That… um… I um…. Didn't reciprocate them."

The last part was whispered, I barely picked up on it, but I looked in her eyes and saw truth waving a huge flag at me.

"You mean, you…you could have feelings for me?"

"yes, well I mean I do have feelings for you…. For a long time….a long time."

It was in that moment that I realized why I hurt her so much when she read those things in my notebook… she, she loved me. I quickly closed the distance between us and kissed her like she was my oxygen… and in a way she was.

_"A kiss is a lovely trick, designed by nature, to stop words when speech becomes superfluous." --Ingrid Bergmen_


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